But on an emotional and psychological level, dropping out of school, was not the ‘end of the story.’  There was an underlying feeling of anxiety and shame over my ‘failure’ to finish college.

What if someone were to ask,  “So, where did you go to college?” “Well uh,” feeling the anxiety and shame welling up, “I went to the University of Maryland” hoping that would be the end of it. “So, what was your major?” “Social work and philosophy with a minor in dance, seems they needed guys, ones willing to wear tights, seemed like a good way to meet girls,” hoping my joking about reasons for course selection would change the subject.

For me, college was more like super high school; I would be out of the house, away at school and independent, as long as my parents would pay for it! Getting a ‘higher education’ really was much more about the ‘getting high’ part and less about the education.

While I could not have really understood this at the time I was ‘learning’ how to deal with feelings and shame; bury them or pretend they don’t exist! Can you relate?

So, after dropping out I began what was to become a ‘very successful’ career in the restaurant business. I went to work as a waiter at a Jewish delicatessen. Now there’s a real education!  It takes real fortitude and stamina to serve corned beef and tongue sandwiches to elderly Jews on a fixed income. Frustrated that I could never do enough to make them happy, I’d often ask my customers, “Is anything okay?”

Several restaurants and so many years later I ‘worked my way through life;’ painting houses and selling everything from health club memberships to insurance, even dabbling in stand-up comedy. Somehow or other  this background of experience has helped me to build a successful business public speaking; leading and producing motivational talks and workshops.   The feedback over the years has been really positive. I am so thankful that I am able to work at something that contributes to others and that I truly enjoy.

Interestingly enough, I was recently contracted to present a motivational program for the student affairs department of a local state college. Now, in preparation for my initial meeting and needs assessment with several of the managers and staff, I felt that familiar uneasiness I mentioned earlier, the uncomfortable association with college and quitting, with shame and failure.

Now I would be literally back on campus, working with student affairs counselors- whose key role it is to make sure undergraduates get the support and guidance they need in order to graduate. How ironic!

As I’ve already mentioned, my learned response to dealing with anxiety and shame is to hide it, at all costs! I got so good at hiding my feelings I didn’t even know I was doing it; like air to the bird, and water to the fish.

Only this time would be different.  Now I have the support and tools needed to deal with those difficult feelings of anxiety and shame, release them and move on.

Let me explain. I place high value on programs that help us to grow and become more self aware.  As such, I work with a group in which we practice self awareness by ‘checking- in.’ That is, we  get quiet and try to  connect directly to our ‘feeling state’, becoming  more relaxed, focused and intuitive in the process. We have a regular morning check-in call in which we  support one another regarding not only our goals and commitments for the day, but more importantly, the underlying feelings (especially the negative ones) around them. We speak openly and authentically, in a spirit of support, without fear of judgment.

Moreover, we understand that in our habit of  ‘getting to it’—the  to-do list, the meeting, the whatever -– we tend either ignore or simply pay no attention to the anxieties that so often make us miserable and ineffective.  So instead of doing that, we use our ‘check in’ call to support each other to acknowledge our feelings and return to a sense of well being, of wholeness.  What a great way to start the day!

With the support of my check in buddies, I was able to share openly about the shame I was feeling before going into my meeting with the college managers and staff.  As a result of this conversation I was released from the need to hide my feelings and  I was no longer dominated by them. Now I could be myself, more relaxed and in a much better position to determine their true needs.

As it turns out, the college counselors and staff were in need of  tools and resources to help them be more relaxed, focused and productive. Right up my alley! While I was busy taking my notes I was moved to share my experience about dropping out, and my feelings about going back to college. It didn’t take long for one of the counselors to ‘make me an offer I couldn’t refuse.’ “Why not complete your education here, let’s talk about it!”

Well, as of this writing I’m seriously considering going back to school and earning an undergraduate degree. I’m excited about this prospect, about bringing all of myself to it, free from shame and free to learn. While it’s been over 30 years since I’ve sat in a classroom, my commitment to personal growth has certainly taken hold and continues to grow, fueling  my desire for even greater self awareness. Along the way I have learned many important tools and practices for overcoming self defeating behaviors, fears and needless shame – important education for living, no degree required!

                                                                                                           ~~~

More Tools & Resources

Need some support, tools, or resources for overcoming anxiety and self defeating behaviors? We have some! Click here to learn more about the check in support groups and other resources for increasing  self awareness, relaxation, and productivity.

Why do I say this and what do I mean? I mean, first of all that I really love her.  We are together now for ten years – in a row!  Given my track record this is a good long run!

At least part of what makes her ‘something’, besides living with me for the past decade, is the fact that we eat together, sleep together, walk most everyday together and, most importantly, negotiate the television channels together (together is used loosely here; in the sense that I agree to watch what she prefers and sometimes we happen to want to watch the same shows, that kind of together.)

Now the real thing I think that makes her something, and for that matter me something too, is the recognition and fact that we are spending our lives together. We are choosing each other, month by month, day by day, and, when the going gets tough, moment by moment.

But, we do choose each other and that is the heart of what makes our relationship something. This is really significant because, as I see it, for any two people to go through life together and work at the business of living, for better or for worse, is something!

She can take my sugar coated BS and give it right back; returning my slams, overheads, underhand’s and lobs, and all without throwing her racquet to the ground or worse,  at me!  (I like using the tennis analogy because it has the word ‘love’ in it. Tennis also employs the use of fault and double fault. But that’s for another message.)

And can I serve up the BS with my well worked racket?   Yes I can!

Is it wrong to feel so much love and appreciation for her ‘simply’ because one of the things that makes her something is knowing how to deal with me and stick with me through thick and thin? No, it is not. In fact, this is a very good quality and I’m happy to have helped her hone her skills in this way.

Now, is any of this what my wife refers to when she says to me “you’re really something, you know it?” I don’t know, although I do feel loved and comforted in knowing that I too am something.

Well, perhaps, together we are something,

Happy Valentine’s Day….Jerry

Not only are ‘boomers’ raising children, but over one-half provide care for an aging parent. They also result in additional health care costs of $13.4 Billlion a year because caregivers suffer disproportionately from depression and chronic diseases and and rarely participate in preventive heath screenings.

Stratagies

Providing targeted assistance to these ‘sandwhich generation’ employees is much more than ‘a feel-good perk’, it’s a necessity! Offering eldercare support and benefits to employees makes economic sense, increases loyalty, while building teamwork and good will. Through education and greater understanding of this issue employers can;

• Become more knowledgeable about and sensitive to the complexities and emotional challenges associated with eldercare,
• Encourage employees to use the company’s exisiting eldercare benefits by creating a corporate culture where talking openly about eldercare issues is actively encouraged and supported and where these benefits are explained to the employees,
• Offer cost effective strategies and benefits for increasing producitivity and reducing healthcare costs by supporting the health and well being of your most important resource – your people!

Best practices (AARP)

• Freddie Mac: free eldercare consultant and access to subsidized aides for a relative for up to 20 days
• Verizon: seminars on eldercare issues; allows FT workers 80 hours/year of back-up care, 40 hours for PT, and $4 hour for in-home help
• Alston & Bird (Atlanta law firm): workers can donate vacation time to colleagues who use up theirs to care for family members
• Lee Memorial Health System: grant for caregiver support program; discounted rates at adult day care centers
• LL Bean: on-site educational program “Taking Care of Mom, Dad and Me.”
• Cornell University: 3 days/year (from paid sick leave) to care for parents, up to 6 months unpaid leave; “Life Cycles” workshop educational program
• George Mason University: support groups; seminar series: “Caregiving from a Distance,’ “Navigating Medicare,” Elder-Care Mediation,” “Balance for Boomers and Their Parents: Thinking on Your Feet”
• Saint Vincent Health System: “Elder Kit” planning guide (financial planning, etc.)

It’s not an illusion. Something is still eluding us. It is the experience of oneness, the experience of thriving in a thriving world, the experience of going beyond our own narrow self-concerns and living from a place of inspiration and connection, from the place of safety that can come only from knowing that others, too, are seeking the highest good of all, including us.

As humans, we long for this experience, but the only way we will get it is if we change and so does our world. We can do it. We can change ourselves. But how? By going beyond the domination of the ego: the instinct that causes us to protect ourselves, promote ourselves and pit ourselves against others; the instinct that causes us to feel shame, isolation, competition and alienation; the instinct that causes those around us to do the same, which only gives us even more reason to protect “ourselves” against “them.”

Can we overcome the domination of the ego? Yes, we can. But first, let me address the issue of disappointment. Whether through direct political action or through charitable work or volunteering, we may have given our all and still experienced disillusionment — not only about the results of all that work, but about the timidity or narrow self-interests that blocked the bold changes required. On a personal level, too, we may have experienced disappointment. We may have committed to sobriety from one addiction, yet find ourselves consumed by another. We may have reaped the rewards of exercise or meditation, yet continue to be anxious or irritable in daily life. We may have understood certain of our dynamics, yet still feel baffled about our underlying sense of dissatisfaction about ourselves, our relationships and our lives. We may have taken many chances on love, yet are left feeling resentful or resigned.

All right. So we have been disappointed. We’ve been disappointed by ourselves, by others, by movements, even by spirituality. The question is: What have we done with these disappointments? Have they discouraged us? Have we kept using the same tactics despite encountering the same results? Or have we utilized the gains that we have already achieved and been motivated to dig deeper, to look for the underlying cause of our alienation from ourselves, alienation from others, alienation from faith?

Those of us dedicated to digging into the underlying cause of our political, social and personal pain have frequently come to the same conclusion: It’s the domination of the ego, the me-based perspective that keeps us in shame, fear and alienation. Now what can we do about that?

A lot. We can retrain ourselves and our egos, and we can open ourselves up to a better way of being, a way that allows us to see our interests as connected, rather than opposing; a way that opens us to the flood of divine energies that help us feel better, more whole, more connected and more relaxed, the divine energies that can also inspire us to solutions that we could not see before.

In order for us to retrain our egos, to leave the “I” universe for the “we” universe, we need three elements: awareness, intention and support. Awareness: catching on to the ego’s games and acknowledging the needless pain it has caused us and others. Intention: dedicating ourselves to self-awareness and giving up all the excuses for engaging in behaviors that destroy our bodies, minds and spirits. Support: human help — a mutually supportive environment that helps us see ourselves and heal ourselves, so that we can truly transform; divine help — a steady stream of divine energies that increase our sense of well-being and open us to higher consciousness.

Overcoming the domination of the ego is not easy. It takes work and dedication. It takes engagement at the level of a boot camp, a boot camp for higher consciousness. Why boot camp? Because boot camps are intensive training experiences that allow us to respond almost instinctively to the challenges that confront us. And the response they encourage is that we automatically function as part of a mutually supportive team, freed from the attachment to our individuality, so that we may achieve our goal and find ourselves in the oneness. For centuries, humans have used boot camps to prepare us for war. Why not now use boot camp to prepare us for transformation?

We need a boot camp for consciousness, a boot camp that helps us instinctively respond to life’s challenges in a way that is self-aware, mutually supportive and inspired. And for such a boot camp, we need programs that challenge and enable us: to see ourselves clearly; to disassociate from the identification between us and the ego; to understand the ego and help it evolve; and to heal from the traumas and life patterning that have kept us enslaved by the unconscious drives that cause us to hurt ourselves and one another.

Let us dedicate our lives to transforming our bodies, minds and spirits, so that, together, we may feel more whole, more happy and more able to solve our common problems. And let us turn our discouragement into inspiration.

For more information about Beth Green and her writings, talks and work, see her personal website, Beth’s Place. Also you can learn more about her transformational programs at Consciousness Boot Camp.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to ‘be well’. We’re always asking each other, ‘how’s it going?’ ‘How are you doing?’ If you’re asking me, I am happy to say as of this writing, ‘I’m well, thanks”.

To be able to say ‘I am well’ and really mean it, now that’s something! For me, being completely well means having a healthy and relaxed body, a calm mind, and an energized spirit, a spirit that goes along with doing work that I truly enjoy while helping others.

I admit that I never really thought much about well being in these terms. In fact, for most of my 54 years, being well simply meant that I’d feel more or less tired when I woke up, would have more or less energy during the day, and hopefully, I’d be able to fall asleep at bedtime. That was it.

My life experience has changed my thinking as I’ve gotten a little older and hopefully, wiser; losing a parent, feeling a desire to be as healthy as possible so that I can do the work I love and, hopefully, have the energy to keep up with the grandkids. And so I’ve changed.

I realize now that when I say ‘I’m well’ I’m referring to these three distinct, very important aspects of being. And as such, it is up to me to do what I can to take care of each one. Most times I can manage my physical body pretty well but where I need ongoing support is on the emotional, mental and spiritual level.

Think about it, is there any part of life that is not experienced, physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually? These are the channels through which we take life in. So, when ‘a well being is at work’, it’s working on all aspects of our human being. Being well we’re naturally more able to help others, because we have the physical energy and emotional-mental capacity to do so. We’re able to enjoy life so much more and in so many ways.

What about you? In which aspects are you well? Where do you need help and could you use support?

I’m very passionate about this topic and I plan to write more about it. In addition, I’m working on producing a series of informational videos, to be played in medical offices, waiting areas, hospital rooms in order that patients become more actively involved with their own care; exercise, diet, unhealthy habits and so on. I look forward to hearing your comments and suggestions regarding your well being, your success’ and challenges. Until then, be well!

My mom died three years ago this month and my dad has done amazingly well adjusting, especially given that my parents were together for over 60 years. So, no one could ever prepare me for the reality of having to move my dad out of his home; familiar and comfortable with neighbors regularly checking in, saying hello, and binging food or something the child made for ‘Uncle Mel’. And I’m supposed to move him? No way!

At 87 years of age, still very independent and lively, my dad started falling; sometimes not being able to get up on his own or having to call 911. My wife had been suggesting that we look into ‘something’ for dad for months and I agreed. At least I pretended to. Secretly I just couldn’t go there. That is, until I went to visit him recently, sick with fever and struggling just to feel comfortable. He needed a little extra help, a little extra care. It was time.

We immediately found a wonderful retirement community, Brookdale, very near to where we live, inviting with a retreat like atmosphere, beautiful courtyard, and gardens.  Dad still loves to go for a swim so the newly remodeled pool will do just fine!  Delicious meals are freshly prepared each day and delivered to his room as needed. Best of all are the people, his age more or less, talking and relating and, ripe for dating and perhaps even a little romance!  (Turns out there are 10 women for every man. Great odds; what’s not to like? )

Well, as I said no one prepares you for the hard part. How do I break it to my dad? I know him; he was never the kind to change easily. What do I say without sounding like some soulless landlord giving an eviction notice or a dispassionate selfish son?  The ‘rehearsals’ in my head my head didn’t go well:

“Hey dad, how are you doing? Oh, by the way, I’m moving you into this really nice place which to you probably sounds like a creepy smelly nursing home or some horrible awful place they put old people to die!”

Imagine Marlon Brando as the Godfather; “We can do this one of two ways, the easy way, in which case you do what I say. Or the hard way, in which case you resist and I move you anyway!”

I’m so anxious and nervous thinking about how to talk to him about all of this. I kept thinking about my mom and how she just would say “Melvin, we’re moving, get packing!’ and that was that.

One actual conversation we had went like this;

‘Dad, you know how much you used to like to walk over to La Costa (world famous resort located near his home) and how wonderful and beautiful it is there?”

‘Yeah, I remember.”

‘Wouldn’t it be great to live in a place like that?’ I said, hoping for some agreement that would allay my anxiety and give me the opening I needed.

‘No I like being here at home, my hacienda, I’m used to it’.

Well, so much for that.

Time for plan ‘B’, I would get help from higher authorities: his rabbi and his doctor, trusted and possessors of wisdom on such delicate matters. I reached out to them, described the situation and shared my angst about how best to approach dad. While their counsel helped tremendously and I felt better knowing that I had their understanding and support, I was the one that needed ‘deliver the news’.

I had to tell dad that we weren’t just ‘going for lunch at a nice place with a pool.’ Yes, initially I put it to him this way. I came clean and told him that this was a visit with a specific purpose. Sigh.

“Dad,  I’m concerned for your health, and given that I travel quite a bit for my work, I want to make sure you are taken care of and get  the best care, whatever you might need, just in case.”

My Dad:  no reply, silence.

“So, let’s check it out. See what you think. There’s no rush (even though I had already given a deposit! Take a breath.)

A day later we’re driving to the Brookdale Retirement Community in my convertible, sunny day, top down, Frank Sinatra on the radio -  ‘gonna take a sentimental journey’. For the moment my dad seems happy and content. I still feel anxious but I’m happy at least to have gotten this far, over the hump. I’m hopeful this will all turn out okay.

We pull up and I help dad out. We are greeted as we enter the lovely bright foyer.

Friendly booming voice from just behind the front desk,  “Hello Mr. Bridge! Are you moving in today?”

I cringe “Oh no” I say, “we’re just here to check it out, see if we like it”

My instinct is show my dad the courtyard, sunny, perfectly manicured with roses blooming,

“Look dad, isn’t this nice? And oh, look at the pool! They keep it 85 degrees year round and there’s always someone to look after you, just in case.”

We start walking toward the opposite end of the courtyard. I tell him that this is the area where they have live music, a 50 piece orchestra next month! We walk a little further. I’m trying to see how dad feels about all of this. I’m hopefully optimistic. And then he says, seemingly from out of the blue:

“So when do you want me to move in?”

“What!” Did he just say that?

In that instant everything shifted and I’m not sure if I can tell you exactly how I felt when he said this; surprised, relieved, moved and extremely humbled.  I was so touched in that moment that dad knew it was right to make this move, even though this would be yet another change, another turn in the road, and the first time in over 60 years that he would be moving into a new place without mom.

Looking back I can see that while I was having anxiety about merely talking about all of this, my dad is actually the one whose life would most change and that he would be the one to have to experience it firsthand.  I needed to be willing to feel what this change would be like for him, to connect and bring a new level of compassion. And this is what happened.

I feel very blessed to have the love and support from family and friends to work through new territory and the things that I don’t know how to do. I am able to reach out and get the encouragement needed to do the right thing while staying connected; bridging the gap that sometimes exists between head and heart, and find the sacred place where they become One.

So, my contact at NCHIMA and I came up with the title: ‘Integration and Collaboration in Times of Great Change.’ This title seemed to fit nicely with their theme and capture the essence of what people might be able to take from my talk. Now, all I had to do was figure out what I was going to say!

Now, don’t get me wrong, sometimes I actually have the programs worked out ahead of time. But to be really honest I really enjoy the challenge of creating something alive, organic, and in tune with what’s needed for this group and in this time. So, as I say, this integration and collaboration talk is something I’m working on and creating as I write this article.

As with most programs that I write, I try and draw from many sources; relevant books, articles, business partners, consultants and personal experience. This seems to work well, particularly given this topic!

Sometimes I like to get clear on the definitions of key words.  For example:

• Integrate – to bring together or incorporate into a coordinated, harmonious whole;
• Collaborate: something created by working jointly with another or others

Ironically, what I’ve discovered about myself  in putting the program together is the degree to which I don’t feel integrated,, harmonious, or collaborative! For example, as of this writing I am late getting the power point program and workbook to my contact, Lee. It was due last week and I was I’m ‘mildly stressing’ about. I’m thinking ‘this is not really a big deal, I’ve done this a million times, it always works out, and besides I’m so busy!’

What doesn’t come to my mind immediately is to call Lee and see what the reality is. Do I need to come up with it today? Can I have a few more days? What does he need? How will this impact his plans? No, my tendency is to  separate, isolate, and stress. what a mess!

In other words, my first inclination is definitely NOT towards Collaboration! My habit is just the opposite – an old pattern  – imagine a two year old whining -  ‘I do it myself!’ This leads me to feel stressed and course, fragmented from my contact, my integrity, and my peace of mind!

Now, I know how obvious and  silly this seems in retrospect. And, of course, there have been many, many times when I have made the phone call, or done the thing on time or otherwise worked it out. My point here is that there is no end to the process of self discovery when it comes to the habits that tend to isolate and fragment us. The more I ‘practice self awareness’ the more compassion I have for myself as a human being. In this way, I can help others do the same and deliver an empowering talk that is authentically integrated and collaborative!

Exposure to a steady stream of images and information, often in real time, puts us ‘on the ground’ and right into the lives and struggles of our human family.  We are witness, for example, to the transformation taking place throughout the Middle East and North Africa, a struggle for democracy over tyranny, freedom over fear, and the basic right to live a decent and just life.

One Libyan, interviewed by CNN (remotely by cell phone), told of us a call he had received from his brother, telling him to “go quickly, get out” and  take his family, for he was already captured and would soon be killed by Khaddafi sympathizers.

Listening to this man’s story, I know that this man could be me, and that his brother could be my brother. In light of empathy and compassion, can we possibly deny that we are one global family- that this man is me and his brother is my brother!

No longer feeling separate, I am changing

On a more personal level, I realize now that I have spent too much time pretending to be separate and on my own; trying to survive, looking good, or hoping to be well thought of.  I have squandered too many precious opportunities to reach out or dig in, till now. How many of us have fallen into this trap?

Although you might not think that a ‘motivational speaker’ could or would feel this way I did and still do at times.  There are times when we all feel disconnected, alone, anxious and fearful. I need the connection, collaboration and support that I used to think would make me look weak or dependent. I need to be able to identify and transform the ‘illusion of separation’ and the ego’s drive to self protect or ‘go it alone’.

I welcome the help and support that I must have in order to feel grounded, relaxed, and working on the things that are truly important. I look forward to a new level openness and collaboration with others, working to bring more compassion and honest communication to their work, families, community and world.

Imagine a world in which everyone laughs out loud and uncontrollably at least once a day. I’m talking; ‘please stop, no really please stop you’re killing me’, kind of belly aching laughter that seems to happen so rarely but is so good for us.

Seriously, I’m talking about ‘I haven’t laughed this hard since the time Bob sneezed during the manager’s luncheon with a mouth full of salad, lettuce, carrots and cucumbers flying everywhere. “The forecast for today’s meeting; ‘mostly funny with a good chance mixed greens and thousand island before desert.’

You know your CEO’s socks don’t match some days; I learned from an ‘inside source’ that his boxer’s have teddy bears on them!!

What if agreed that whenever things get too serious or upsetting we declare a time out- put on the funny hat and make our weirdest face? Maybe it’s the face that you haven’t made since you were seven, or perhaps the one you only make when the scotch is 14. You know the one.

In fact, you should make that face right now. Go on, just do it. Bulge your eyes, draw your lips like you’re sucking on a lemon, puff out your cheeks (the ones on your face), go for it!  Look at yourself in the mirror, take it in. Seriously, how can you be upset now?  Now, go show you neighbor in the cubby or office next to you. Show them your funny face and do your crazy dance at the same time.

I have found these techniques can work really well when my wife gets upset with me for say, leaving the house without closing the garage door while she is in the shower, for example. Instead of her getting all upset, face red and flush, blood pressure rising, and me sheepishly squirming or desperately trying to worm my way out of the conflict.  Why not instead go for the funny face and crazy dance?  Sometimes it doesn’t work. But sometimes it does and we wind up laughing at ourselves and feeling better. Isn’t that the point?